What he was
required to do should be done he compromised
It
was an ill-omened sign he should have noticed, but he did not. That was why
things ended in this way.
He
used to pester his girlfriends about it --
being aloof and oblivious to what they were saying but flipping the messages or
nodding absently. That made them angry and had rows with him. Why did he keep
doing this with no hope of a different outcome but breaking up with what bothered them? He
didn’t want to make a commitment to one of them consciously he was aware of. He
didn’t feel this emptiness at all, or regrets for that if they broke up with him.
However, time flew and he tried to change this terrible manner.
Looking at himself in the mirror, he couldn’t lie to anyone. He hit 50 with sagging jowls and receding thin hair, covering his scalp effortlessly. He had a date with the woman he chatted with for a year online. They finally agreed to meet in person.
If
he couldn’t hide his physical aging, he at the least might dress himself smart.
He tried not to disappoint her. He also warned himself to keeps on his toes about what she liked and disliked to talk about.
Should he order something? Or
should
he tap out a text to her on their private chat room? Would she be online? The waitresses and waiters
gave him sympathetic looks or avoided his eye contacts apologetically. He also
reminded the receptionist that there would be a lady joining him soon. Right,
the booking was for two. What he could do was only to wait and sit there. That
was an appropriate way just to wait and show his sincerity, wasn’t it?
This was the first time he
got a weird feeling of a setback.
But, he remembered she said she wouldn’t fake her feelings even when she had
to. She was the one to propose they should have a drink once. And, he offered
to have a nice dinner. He decided to be patient and there might be a chance to
do as his father expected him to accomplish.
He
couldn’t get rid of it that his father was in the mood of depression when he
visited him. He didn’t know what to say to his father but sat next to him and
watched the thin and wrinkled hands covered with aging spots on the laps. He
remembered those hands strongly held him up in the air when he jumped up around
his father’s neck. His mother always tried to stop his father doing that. He
was too young to swing she said. The memories were vivid that he was thrilled
to see his father coming home after work or to take him to that public swimming
pool.
Looking
at his father, he was more fragile than the years when his mother accompanied
him, who outlived his mother by four years. He did know he should come as often
as possible, but he just ignored it. Before he departed, his father unusually
pulled his hand and talked to him in soft and low voice, like whispering, what
he was worried about. He reminded him
of this:
You
are the only child and I, so did your deceased mother, hope you could marry
someone who loves you. You shouldn’t stay single. It’s a must you need to have
your own kids to keep our family name. This is a long-held desire of mine. You
know I don’t have much time left and I wish I could see it happen. I’m sorry
what I did to your mother, but you’ll be a good husband I know...
He
was astonished at what his father said because either of his parents never
pushed him to marry. He was happy about they didn’t expect him like others – to
marry and to have kids… He thought he would be free to live the life of his
choosing. He also remembered his father had said it to him that he only got one
life and he should live it as fully as possible. But, he couldn’t understand
why his father reminded him of this, a conventional life event, which his
father hoped him to follow.
Since
then, what his father’s wish was of the utmost importance to him. It seemed
that the future stretched ahead in front of him, full of unease and challenges.
Yes, he was a good son.
He was shortly lost
in his remembrance – did he taste once the sweet or bitter feeling of being loved
or of having someone special he loved? Did he give someone his love without holding
anything back? Did he enjoy the happiness from love and the heartbreak from
breaking up with his ex-girlfriends? Did he have the lingering regrets for not
making commitment to one of them, who once showed him the love? Was there a
piece of him indebted to anyone of them? He realized then he didn’t say much to
each other with his ex-girlfriends.
Was
there one of them who had shaped his life for the worse? Why was he reluctant
to settle down with one of them but to travel on alone? He just thought he felt
strange to let any woman to knock him out of his comfort territory of being
solitary.
The
longer he was waiting the less enthusiastic and positive he became. The imagination
of what some real consequences for his actions drained away. He was gradually
sure that there was no prospect of her coming as she promised him.
Decades
away from his childhood couldn’t rub the familiarity right off him, the
teenager had broad smiles looked just like those of his father’s, sitting not
far away from him when his mother, should be, was talking something funny to
him. He had enjoyed those times too with his mother whenever his father was
gone on business trips. He did miss his mother.
His
cell phone trilled with a text alert, it
must be from her. Immediately he stood up and retrieved it from his pocket. He
could feel his heart racing with fear and anxiety, scrolling through the
message box.
You
don’t recognize me, do you? Yes, I’m here for a while. Quite a surprise to you it
is. You shouldn’t give it a doubt. BTW, I’ve made it to raise my baby on my own
as I promised you. Are you ready to join me now? No, I should say “us?”
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