All the efforts will vanish into the void, won’t they?
The present time
All the emails responded to the inquiry about an available vacancy
have thrown me off balance in more ways than one. It seems a waste of time and
money through years to push my way forward. The terrible fact is I feel I’ve
lost the inborn capacity of sleep and sometimes I drift in and out of consciousness
during the day.
I question myself what I’ve been doing for with all my
efforts since I was very little? What they bring to me is the slimmest chance
of success to hunt a job. I have been suffocated by all the refusals I’ve never
really experienced in my life.
The trains of worrying thoughts are running crazily but they
can’t take me anywhere at peace but in the vagueness of destination. I am
surely on the verge of losing my mind with such fearless anger but endless
sadness. The mixed bag of feelings seems to collapse in an exhausted state
inside my bone-tired mind. I’m losing my grip on reality.
I can easily recall the days, the months and the years studying
very hard and having confidence in myself, which stay with me and won’t fade
away, but I can’t pull true moments of happiness from my memories during the
whole time.
It’s said that turning to alcohol for comfort in the absence
of hope could help neutralize anxiety somehow. But, I am not going to be numbed
by this temptation. There must be a way out and I have to be calm in case I
miss catching the sight of the possible of any rescue.
Anxiety does change my relationships with others especially my family. I am not myself anymore and keep the whole thing to myself. I start to lie to them. How could I tell them the truth that I’ve not fulfilled the program to gain a degree since I know they have been expecting so much of me to get it done?
What about my wealthy and higher-positioned siblings? Having
the same blood does not really make you family, and they are my half-siblings. They
have always showed their kindnesses and fondness for me since I was six. They
often remind me I used to laugh a lot and couldn’t mask the excitement in my
voice when I talked about my future plans.
It’s an old story, but I always remember what my mother told
me about DNA tests that were obliged to have before I was confirmed I was their
little sister. Will they still support once they are in the know on what I
haven’t accomplished overseas? In addition to that, my inability to trust others
won’t allow me to leak anything about what situation I am under.
My brain is so addled that I can’t grasp anything in
reality. It’s almost the very moment I am losing the sight of my standing in
life. I say my prayers, hoping they would be answered, but in vain. Things have
to make a change if desperately needed. Now I have new thoughts in my head. I
don’t think I will allow my efforts to end in failure.
Beyond doubt, it is a must to learn how to turn my fear into
strength to build up a fantasy and make it come true. I know deep down there is
a one I believe equips his invincible ability to help me out. I have to think
very hard about how much secret I could keep to myself and still earn his
assistance to get what I have been working on but not had any luck to bear
fruit.
The previous time
At the very beginning of dating I told him what I doubtless
cared was my career after graduation, nothing else. He certainly discerned then
how I was fond of making sure that everything I did was done with purpose. It
seemed to me that lust was only a temporary cure for loneliness.
With ceaseless ambition he had too much work and too little
time enjoying life with me, which I had no concern with. It was one major
reason why I had an arduous time having faith in him, who said he was very fond
of me. Once I argued with him about financial independence, I convinced him
that it could definitely promise a woman to stand her dignity in reality, which I learned
when I was pretty young.
I didn’t believe there was a relationship that went on happily as it was wished. Besides, he didn’t appreciate the work-life balance, and I was sure I equipped myself with the same character to lead my life.
I didn’t believe there was a relationship that went on happily as it was wished. Besides, he didn’t appreciate the work-life balance, and I was sure I equipped myself with the same character to lead my life.
The relationship between him and me did not last long due to
arrogance. Both of us had the same issue not knowing to act modestly in front
of others even to each other. Once he bragged about that many women would willingly
do anything to earn his affection, and he said he hated me to toss it away. We
split up not in an ugly way but he did not give me a call after that, neither
did I.
The deal
Surely it won’t be a fascinating way to meet him again under
such an awkward circumstance and he must believe that my stance on a relationship
won’t change and I am still the one he knew.
Yes, I feel great shame indeed but there was no one to turn
to. I truly understand it’s unlikely to sell a distraction to him with nearly-gone
feminine skills to get him back to me.
However, it won’t do me harm I think if I give it a try. It’s
my final and the only way to reach my goal or my destiny. I know I won’t be a
free spirit anymore. I also prepare to face the great loss of freedom to me
even though I’d rather lose everything than lose it. But the cost is too
expensive to grip what I used to value most anymore.
I’ve been pacing up and down the room in wait and the phone stays
mute. My heart tightens in preparation for the rush of questions and the
torture of humiliations I’m about to feel. Staring at the mirror I haven’t
grown better looking over the years, but aging has given me more lines around
my forehead and my eyes.
How could I waste my youth in the vain pursuit of a degree? The knocking on the door seems to have stolen my breath and my emotion is uncontrollable. I get back in a jiffy when he steps in.
How could I waste my youth in the vain pursuit of a degree? The knocking on the door seems to have stolen my breath and my emotion is uncontrollable. I get back in a jiffy when he steps in.
Looking at him, a strong-minded person takes what he wants
without the tiniest apology and there is no commitment, no expectation but only
a deal arrangement. The similarities between us are crystal clear and it makes
me believe it is more than likely that he would help.
Should I tell him the unfinished parts for my degree? Yes, I
don’t think I am able to hide it. In all honesty, I’ve told him what I
desperately want and asked what he can do about it. His calmness stuns me. He
doesn’t show a frown or blink the eyes.
For a long while, it seems that getting answers from him is
like pulling teeth while I struggle for words. Suddenly he looks into my eyes
and says I could leave the thinking to him.
He honors his words because of the deal negotiation, which
appears to be liabilities not an asset. But, I don’t regret what I’ve done or
care about all the possible and potential damages even if they might not be
fixed.
The point is nobody would possibly find out how I meet my
fate and I would not ever admit this out loud to anyone with his assistance.
And, I’ve learned a lesson of the most important, that power just like money
should be invested with time.
I pay what I have to and he wouldn’t ever break his word. I
have gained a part-time teaching job at that prestigious college, followed by a
full-time post for me.
Yes, the post is open officially for all the qualified but
it is just for me under the table.
What about the requirements to meet, which I was demanded to
submit when I applied?
He will take care of it and I don’t have to give it a
thought as he says.
Am I gravitating toward fantasy as a means to escape the
unaccomplished?
No, I just don’t take it seriously. Unquestionably, it would
be done sooner or later.
I am feeling so great while speeding down the hill from the mansion where my mom’s stayed with me for decades. I smile to myself in the rearview mirror and give myself a thumb up to make it all come true.
I am feeling so great while speeding down the hill from the mansion where my mom’s stayed with me for decades. I smile to myself in the rearview mirror and give myself a thumb up to make it all come true.
What about dignity and independence I am asking myself to own?
Undoubtedly, I am going to earn a high status one way or
another. I won’t tolerate the uncomfortable long because I will take back what
I pay some time or other.
It should be altered that a man-dominated society is
eternal.
Higher
Education in Taiwan
In
this report an interviewee revealed his experiences in hunting a teaching job at a university. He sent more than 200 copies of his
resume to national and private universities in three year in Taiwan after he
gained his PhD from one of the top universities in 2015.
He only had five chances of having an interview but was all turned down. The others just gave no response to his inquiries. He was saddened by that. He made a conclusion that gaining a PhD overseas would have given one a promising reward -- teaching at a university. He regretted that he should have done it no matter how much it costed.
There was a report to give a clear picture about the
outcomes of a long-year PhD process in Taiwan (China Times Newsletter, August
24 in 2018). It said that there were 41,206 PhD students in 11 years, most of whom felt
disappointed because they couldn’t have a decent job after graduation.
He only had five chances of having an interview but was all turned down. The others just gave no response to his inquiries. He was saddened by that. He made a conclusion that gaining a PhD overseas would have given one a promising reward -- teaching at a university. He regretted that he should have done it no matter how much it costed.
What he said and believed is true that the chance to find a
full-time job at a national university is very slim.
There are 141 schools, 32 of which are national, including
universities and colleges in Taiwan. There were 962,000 undergraduates, 168,000
graduate students and 28,000 students in the PhD programs respectively (The
Statistics Department of the Ministry of Education, 2019).
Due to the declining birthrates in two decades, the numbers of
students have been shrinking at different levels. Therefore, some private
universities have been going through difficult time running an institute. In
2019 one university of technology in the south only recruited 71 students
reported by China Times (May 3, 2019).
On the other hand, the national universities do not worry about it that they are unable to recruit enough high-school students with good grades or even talents. The reasons are that national universities have a great reputation and the tuition of a national university, about NT$25,000 each semester, is nearly half of the tuition of a private university, less or more than NT$ 50,000. Besides, the national universities gain subsidies from the Ministry of Education on a regular basis. The financial support from the government allow them to become more competitive. That is why what happens to those teachers at private universities doesn’t have a slight impact on the teachers working with a national university. A full-time professor’s pay is around NT$ 100,000 while an assistant professor has a monthly pay around NT$70,000.
Ironically, the salary of an
elementary-school teacher is NT$ 50,000 or so.
The pay will increase yearly for all the teachers at different levels in Taiwan. Sometimes they are paid more, depending on what kind of administrative duty a teacher carries on in addition to teaching.
The pay will increase yearly for all the teachers at different levels in Taiwan. Sometimes they are paid more, depending on what kind of administrative duty a teacher carries on in addition to teaching.
Investigation (updated on April 11, 2020)
According to Article 95 of the Constitution
of the Republic of China, Taiwan, the Control Yuan own its powers to review the
orders and all related documents issued by the Executive Yuan. Besides, Article
26 of the Control Act allows that a Control Yuan member with a control license
and an investigation license, may go to the offices of public or private
organizations to inspect files and relevant documents. The purpose of the investigation
is to discover whether or not there is unlawful conduct on the part of public
servants or in administrative measures.
A member of the Control Yuan, Dr Mushou
Chang, has conducted his right entitled for self-initiated investigation to find
the truth about why universities have been unable to recruit undergraduates reported
by Leeshing Chen in China Post on April 11, 2020. The report has revealed that
there were 78 departments failing to recruit even an undergraduate in 2018 and
132 departments in 2019. Dr Chang questioned this and started to investigate
into the occurrences.
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