Are you well aware of women’s positions and the
expectations from others in Taiwan?
You might be
curious about why I remain consistent in the issues about women, not only
because of my gender, but because of the stories of Anna's family. Anna’s
mother gave her many lessons, which Anna has shared with me, as one of her best
friends, since we were very young.
It happened only
once when Anna was three years old or so. Kiku took Anna’s younger brother and
Anna down to the South from Taipei to visit her only brother. However, Anna
recalled it was a dark night in a cold and very wet winter
and she kept crying because she was terribly homesick. She felt very
uncomfortable, who was being held by that
so-called uncle. He was trying to calm
her down in the dim light of his place. She fell into sleep at last from
fatigue of crying, screaming her mother said it was, and travelling.
Running away from
Taipei, Kiku told Anna after she grew up that she had only stayed one night and
taken her two children back home without bothering Anna’s father to call due to
some thoughts. One of them was that Anna continued crying and saying “I want to
go home.” That made Kiku consider it was not right to take her children away
from their home. Others were she thought she shouldn’t leave her other daughters behind but should have responsibilities to take care of them too,
etc.
The major problem
in their marriage between Kiku and her husband was her husband. He was a
handsome guy, to be honest to say if you look at the photos, and always had affairs
with different ladies on and off until the
day he was unable to and vulnerable from the attack of the cancer.
You might wonder why Kiku forgave her husband and never tried to
divorce him. On the contrary, she stayed in marriage and gave her husband two
more sons after that night she took two children with her and tried to leave
him for good. Why???
Then son
preference was rooted in Kiku's mind even though it was said that “a son is a son
until he takes him a wife while a daughter is a daughter forever.” She didn’t
realize that she was the one, not her brother, who consistently took care of her mother living in the small island for her whole life – 102 years long.
If Kiku had left her husband, how
could a stay-at-home mother of limited ability and education have found a
decent job to raise her children alone in 1950s in Taipei? There was no
alternative route open to her, but only a way -- to move on in her way to give
her children growing up in a “decent family” without their father absent. Anna
thought her mother might believe her own feelings were then a trivial matter. How did Kiku make herself a survival of
suffocating her own self and the marriage doomed to failure or the
humiliation unable to let her husband loyal to her you might wonder?
However, the
fights between Anna’s parents repeated a vicious circle itself. Of course, Kiku knew her children could
read them much better than she thought by listening to their tones of voices,
their facial expressions, even silent treatments and their body languages between her and her husband.
Kiku never revealed her understanding that her children experienced irreparable damage from the relationship undone between her and her husband. It could tell the burden of blaming herself weighed heavily on her.
Kiku never revealed her understanding that her children experienced irreparable damage from the relationship undone between her and her husband. It could tell the burden of blaming herself weighed heavily on her.
The fights between her parents
are unforgettable hurts for Anna. She used to have a frightful walk to the bus
stop the following day after a fight between her parents. They were too loud to
keep them quiet in the neighborhood. She was afraid of the curious looks from
the neighbors in whispers. What she could only do was to give them a
partial nod. Being polite to them her mother taught her.
In a small and conservative
neighborhood, where the personal became the public overnight, it seemed to
be the elephant in the room that everyone knew about it. They
might have been expecting those fights between her parents would have turned
out some dramatic explosions someday Anna thought.
Unfortunately, Anna’s neighbors
must have been very disappointed because Kiku never failed to keep her smiles
on her face when she ran into them while she was crying in her heart. Kiku kept
her husband’s affairs covered and secured his job and a sound social status on
the surface.
Taiwan was taken back by KMT from
Japanese domain after World War II and governed by Chiang
Kai-shek followed by his son Ciang Ching-kuo until 1988. Chiang
Kai-shek did lay down the law to the government officers
forbidden to the luxurious. One way or another, Kiku’s husband was oblivious to
break the law obviously. If the spouse kept quiet, the family things seemed to
show different views to others. Don’t you think so?
Once Anna wondered if there were
times that her father had been feeling guilty and how he justified himself
in what he did to her mother. At a guess, Anna supposed that her father worked
out his balance between being a husband and having affairs. He entitled Kiku to
owning his properties and bank accounts. Nothing was under his name.
Besides, he also replaced Kiku’s
surname with his. Truly, Anna’s mother never had a money issue and never gave
it a thought to divorce her husband. Was it true Anna doubted that Anna’s
father made Kiku believe she was his true love – he gave her all which he had,
except loyalty to her, of course? It seemed to Anna an irony.
The saddest was while Anna’s
father suffered from the colon cancer with pains and groans without cease, Kiku
looked after him for almost six years without complaining things or even
emotionally mentioning what he'd done to her. She only had a fitful sleep throughout
the years due to accompanying with the night-shift helper. Her
children could only take turns to stay with them on weekends.
The years passed slowly for all
of them. Kiku’s husband lived the remainder of his life under torture, which
also allowed him to show his deepest regret to his wife for betrayal.
Anna never touched her
mother on the raw, but she truly believes her mother forgave her father since
the first time her father cheated on her. She assumed her mother loved her
father very much no matter what had happened between both of them.
There is an obvious clue to the
fact that why Anna’s mother was a constant inspiration to her daughters.
When Anna turned forty years old, she needed to concentrate on writing a paper
for a promotion without her children around. Her mother accompanied her to the
small island for almost two months. Anna knew her mother spent most of her day
alone without an acquaintance to chat with her and without a TV to allow her to
entertain a bit. Reading the Buddhist bibles, Kiku waited for Anna to talk to
her when they had a supper together or drove to the town for grocery shopping.
Her mother was there for her when she needed her.
Anna’s missed her mother all the time after her mother passed away. She can't resist the tears when she thinks about the unconditional support and endless love from her mother. Anna also dreams her mother quite a lot.
Anna’s missed her mother all the time after her mother passed away. She can't resist the tears when she thinks about the unconditional support and endless love from her mother. Anna also dreams her mother quite a lot.
Once one of the monks in the
temple, where Kiku had her photo and name in the worship room after cremation,
told Anna that she should free herself from putting too much thinking on the
suffering her mother going through, but let it go.
Was it obvious Anna asked me that
she leaked her sorrow feelings out toward her deceased mother? Yes, she does.
Should Anna let the past stay in the past? Of course, she should but she can do
it. Why didn’t she let it be I doubt?
I think that it is a good idea to write down the stories of Anna's family and what they've undergone and share them with someone who might be interested in. Now, you question if Anna is an alias. You can say so, but there must be something a Taiwanese student could learn if one continues to read or discuss these with friends or classmates in English or with a curious foreigner to learn some of our cultures.
Now, what about you? Ask yourself
if there were times that you weren’t truthful with your spouse (spouses if you
like) or your girl/boy friend/s?
And, how do you define
“loyalty?”
0 comments