She does not love me anymore probably since long time ago but I just neglected it. There’s no doubt about her potential ability to write the next phase of her life to be what she wants to be.

She

The statement of his taking the opportunity of promotion carried a note of finality. He made it clear that the promotion was he always dreamed of. He wanted to be the best of the best obviously in his field. There was no room for negotiation between us. He needed to go where COVID-19 was budding. I couldn’t tell him it would be less of a burden if we could be dwelling on where we were.

We all understood we just hadn’t any ideas how long this was going to stop. The strict requirements of quarantine would definitely forbid the willingly coming and going between there and here. It was predicted that COVID-19 would brutally attack the whole world and most international flights already stopped the services. It was obvious that the separation must take a year or more than that.

Watching silently when he packed his clothes into a suitcase in a hurry. Tension twisted my gut I did not say. I kept what I felt hidden from him. His every move showed his decisive mind in his career. That was why he took the promotion offered overseas without any hesitation.

He took many of his precious items and squeezed into that small space of the suitcase. But, he did not take the framed wedding picture left alone on the bedside table. Once he made me feel loved on a deeper level. But I knew then I didn’t mean much to him and insecurity crept up my spine, which unnerved my calmness. Nothing could distract me from the need to be held tight and cared lovely. I needed to feel things truly real, not a promise.

As time passes, the unsaid suspicion and secrets did poison the marriage. Being financially unstable couldn’t bring out the worst in a couple because material possessions didn’t really matter I realized. It meant isolation I truly felt. Loneliness with sorrows stayed with me all the time especially during the nights. Sleep eluded me.

If only I knew then what I know now

The first date I went out with was one in his mid-fifties but dresses ten more years younger and had the air of someone with quite charm and intelligence. He must be in a marriage because he mentioned about his boys. It seemed nothing wrong but spending time enjoying this kind of thrills when he asked me out.

I was not a risk-seeker, but what he presented brought on this sudden change of my heart to agree it instead of saying “no” like turning down the invitations of others. I said “yes.”

What appeared to me seemed harmless, which was nothing but a one night I told myself. I thought thoroughly then that I could indulge myself in the possibilities or the opportunities to create an exciting and baggage-free daily life to distract myself from ignorance or absence of my husband. Did I do this on purpose because of hatred for his confidence in me?

I convinced myself it would be safe since there wouldn’t be any acquaintance that could recognize me, wearing a wig and a mask like everyone indoors or outdoors in Taiwan. And what occurred to me in this bar would be disappearing like it never occurred. The secrets should be safe. It was the decision I made. That wouldn’t be a falter. It was a terrible thought to approach which I did act on.

I asked myself later why I couldn’t find any guilt that weighed down on me at what this guy said to me. Why didn’t I feel embarrassed when I watched the woman programming the motel key card?

It happened suddenly. Yes, I was suffocating with a fever and hospitalized immediately after the results came out of the COVID-19 tests. I thought then I was trapped in the hospital, failing to save what might been leaking out. Everything around me would be altered completely.

My stories true or false were in the headlines the following days. They all tried to find our more about the possible spread of COVID-19 in Taipei. There were more than one hundred guys who might be infected because of me. They visited the bar where I spent most of my nights. 

Watching the TV, I couldn’t stop crying. I knew that my identity had been exposed after the press conferences held by the Taiwan Epidemic Prevention Center at 14:00 every day then. All the information was released to the press and the live TV audiences. Even though my name wasn’t mentioned, the places I went to or visited and the number I might contact with were all announced in the conferences for a few days.

It is justified that the tracks should be prior to the privacy for the fear of spreading COVID-19. Of course, our neighbors, who received an alarm message sent by the Epidemic Prevention Center, did know who the woman is, so did our parents, all our relatives and friends. What happened to me was surreal and terrified me.

Freeing me from ethic by disguising was a danger and cheating existing all the time, which I just didn’t see popped up unexpectedly. I stopped myself to think of the harm I already caused to my husband, my parents, and those guys too. Their lives must been ruined as well like mine. What could they tell their spouse, fiancée or girlfriend? I suddenly realized that I was doomed to the hell and the burden of guilt I would carry for the rest of my life. I was the one to blame.

 What now?

He can’t believe that I earned his trust under false pretenses – a faithful housewife leading a simple life I know. I question myself now too. Am I not supposed to make sure everything is exactly the same way as it was before he comes home and give him comforts and the warmth as a devoted wife? I cannot look at myself in the mirror to see what I am.

Moving from the side of the table to settle on the chair in front of him, his eyes looked almost entirely vacant. The existence of the easy air between us long time ago came no more. The uncomfortable conversations to a minimum seemed appropriate to both of us.

He is waiting for me to say what I am supposed to explain but I can’t find the strength to do it. I wish I had answers to what’s been weighing on him. What occurred, including all details, has been revealed. Isn’t it obvious to him about what I have been doing for nearly six months? He knows the ugliest parts, doesn’t he? It is me to offer the juicy gossipers to people, all the people in Taiwan. What he is expecting me to say?

There are no more secrets or lies between us now, and he should erase all the memories of me completely. It is the time for him to start fresh now. He deserves to have a better life spending with someone who loves him faithfully.

Without being known who I was, I have to build a new one on my own with no one who cushions me, when this immoral and bizarre segment of my life comes to the end. But, this might be only a wish, an indulgence I could scarcely make.

COVID-19 in Taiwan

Before April 20 in 2021

Taiwan’s government dealt with the COVID-19 kind of better than those of other countries (updated on May 18, 2021).

The Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Taiwan once claimed that Taiwan minimized the impact of Covid-19 on people's daily lives in Taiwan, even though Taiwan should have been attacked more possibly than other countries due to the geographic distance and interactions of people between Taiwan and China.

One of the most important strategies, adopted by the government in Taiwan, was that people were asked to wear a mask while going out, taking transportation, or being unable to keep a social distance with others. It was clearly explained that the most efficient way to fight against COVID-19 was to wash hands when necessary and to wear a medical mask like people were taught to do whenever they are sick with virus or from the flu. 

Wearing a mask was a must and it started from the end of 2019 according to the policy of the Epidemic Prevention Center. If that is violated, the fines are between NT$ 3000 (US$100 or so) and NT$15,000. In fact, it seemed true that wearing a mask works for people to stay safe and healthy so far, obviously sparing the loss of lives especially those of the aging and the fragile. That was proved by various surveys conducted already in EU and so on it was said. Surely wearing a mask is uncomfortable and suffocating when the weather was humid or hot, but it worked then somehow in this horrible situation.

Another major reason to stop the unavoidable spread of COVID-19 and the damages it certainly caused in Taiwan was the strict measures of tracking it was believed. The Pandemic Center has been entitled to review the geographic map of a patient with COVID-19 by tracing the GPS of one’s cell phone. That has helped to unveil where the patient went to, who the patient contacted with, and how long they spent together, anything the patient engaged in. The investigations would be conducted carefully by the Epidemic Prevention Center to see whether or not this patient has gave nothing but all truth.

Besides, being able to monitor the GPS of one’s cell phone offered the clear maps about what was really going on once one was confirmed with COVID-19. The investigations efficiently spotted the people who might be potentially infected as well. Since the number of the confirmed cases with COVID-19 was revealed every day, the chance was far too slim that the details about those people were hidden from the press and then the public.

No one questioned the unbelievable and unauthorized power of the press, which could dig efficiently and deeply in one’s privacy without mercy when it was justified that the details might relate to the physical safety of others. Many people’s privacy were exposed to the public and cruelly criticized, which gave no way for one to turn back. Ironically, the gossips were like a virus spreading meaninglessly and brutally; therefore, one’s life would be unavoidably transformed eternally into a destiny out of control, a state of chaos. 

After April 20, 2021

There have been small outbreaks for the last few weeks. The first outbreak on April 20 related to the international pilots, who are required three days of quarantine instead of five days at least after one of the legislator strongly suggested and the policy, therefore, was changed for the pilots to follow. Due to the incident, there were 37 people infected with COVID-19, including 13 pilots and 2 flight attendants. 

After the first outbreak, there have been serious outbreaks coming from 172 registered “tea houses” ( like the Red Light District Amsterdam), carrying the negative connotation of prostitution. The tea houses are located in Wanhwa District in Taipei City and one with COVID-19 of the first outbreak did come to Wanhwa District. 

The historic tea houses run by women, most of whom are in their 60s and have recruited women in 50s or 60s or younger. They somehow attract men, especially over 60 years old, in Taipei City and New Taipei City. The visitors of the tea houses can stay as long as they like, only paying NT$1,000 or so daily if they order something to eat and drink, but an extra payment is definitely needed for an extra service. 

The evidences collected from tracking after the unbelievable outbreaks show that the guys who can’t resist the lust actually are from not only the northern Taiwan but the southern cities. It is ironic to see that the Department of Health has't noticed the illegal running of this kind of tea houses. That occurred in Taipei. It hasn't been even questioned if it is likely to wear a mask and keep a social distance when intimacy is definitely unavoidable. 

On May 13, the number of patients with COVID-19 was 1,231, plus 14 deceases. Since then, the number revealed each day has been increased surprisingly. (There are 3,139 cases on May 21 and the number of death is 15, updated on May 22.) 

Even though the strategies given by the Taiwan Epidemic Prevention Center are still followed by the people, there hasn't a sign that it might stop.  The reason should be the border reopened and the lack of vaccines. There are only 300, 000 Astra Zeneca vaccines available for the whole population of 23.57 million. Besides, the outbreak of the pilots bringing with sped up the spread of the viruses.

400,000 Astra Zeneca vaccines safely arrived on May 20, updated on May 22. The hospitals in the northern Taiwan have been crammed with patients while some of them waiting for a call to get into a hospital died at home.  Yesterday, the number was 6,091, 46 of whom were deceased, updated on May 27.  On June 7, the death toll rises to 286 and 11,491 cases. 

It is still unknown if the whole thing could be under control when the sporadic arrival of vaccines fails to meet the need. That can't stop the anxiety and creates mass panic somehow. A lock down has not occurred yet.