Issues: domestic violence

Did she surprise herself?

7/30/2019

Did she surprise herself?

He was not really a stranger because she had heard a lot about what he was like. She thought they would be a wonderful couple when she watched closely her fiancé, smiling all the time and eagerly talking to her cousin’s husband. Both of them were from the same city and knew each other for more than a decade.

The decent dowry and allowance monthly giving to her and her parents seemed not a problem to him or his family. He adored her so much that she couldn’t believe she had such luck. He happily but embarrassingly conversed with her about living together in poor English. It was unbelievable that they even delivered to each other some ideas just by nodding, shaking head and smiling. When he tried hard to express his love by making a heart shape with his thumbs and index fingers, her face flushed with joy.

Communication between them wouldn’t be an issue after marriage she believed. She got a smart mind and was a quick learner she was told, so she was sure she could learn Chinese and Taiwanese soon if she would do hard enough. She remembered her teachers at junior college always encouraged her to go to university because she had done so well before graduation. No doubt, she had confidence in herself making things right if she tried her best.

It was not decided on impulse. She made the decision for the sake of her parents and herself. She was thrilled by the excitement of going to marry him in less than a month, accompany him and approach a promising future in Taiwan and her parents too in Vietnam. The sight of him brought her untold happiness. She harbored an intention - she would make her marriage a success when she hugged her mom and ignored the tears on her face at Tan Son Nhat International Airport.

Things did not go the way she expected. She felt awkward and inadequate in most of the important ways. She was even unable to go to the Chinese learning class at night because she lived in a remote village. It was obvious that she needed to wait for at least 6 months before being qualified to pass a written in Vietnam and a practical test for a motorcycle license. Her husband talked to her only a few words in Taiwanese at night after work, which she had to guess what he meant. His passion for her seemed unlikely to retrieve, and she did not know why.

On that day, she vaguely assumed something not good would turn up. She had no idea what, or why she’d even think that was possible. If she took a wild guess, it might be she spotted his disgust-like glimpse when she talked to his cousin. She thought she bought some time at least to figure it out.

He did not say a word while driving back home, and she could felt that he was vibrating with anger. He stopped the engine in front of the house and suddenly turned to her. He punched her head brutally and slapped her face hard. His face distorted in anger while cursing her. She lost in the shuffle of pains and shock. The intimacy she towards him vanished in a flash.

He was a physically powerful man who once adored her and was gentle to others she truly believed, making her vulnerable cornered nowhere to run. She misjudged him for what was on the outside. She should have thought with her head, not her heart. The attacks of anxiety and horror that followed were never subdued.

The words, “you are a bitch,” were running around in circles in her head. It was not an abusive situation she told herself. She tried to shake those terrible memories away, but the pains in her head and ringing consistently in her left ear stayed. It came brutally to her that he had all the power in their relationship and the balance between them never existed. Loss of self-identity was engulfing her. She cried out loud in desperate sorrow in the middle of the field.

She lost not only her heart but her face. Her instinct told her not to say a word about this to her parents or friends. She needed time to calm down, and the bruises and swellings in her face and head would be fading away. She wanted to believe that was only an accident because of jealousy possibly. It was likely too that it was a drink problem. She persuaded herself to give him a chance to prove she hadn’t done anything wrong at all.

The beating never stopped and occurred more often. She learned to conceal emotions from her husband. The humanity she felt was making it impossible for her to breathe and talk to people properly. It was ironic that she recalled what she said to her friend when she was young. She thought then a married woman must keep to the basic demand for herself. What else did she leave for herself if she was the only one to give in? Could she still insist that?

Why didn’t she arrange a fallback position but give in what he demanded? Why did she make herself act like illiterate because all the Chinese characters looked like paintings of lines to her? What was that for living inside the miserable ending of a tragedy? Why did she tolerate his cruel words echoing in her head so loud and clear? Why would she waste the years of her life expecting about a good future that would never occur? Why did she let him break her without mercy?

It worried her a lot that she might need to leave Taiwan for good if her husband divorced her. She thought she had to sacrifice a great deal to take what her husband did to her and to live in Taiwan with her new-born baby. She was told that a foreign spouse is required to stay in marriage for four years before gaining the citizenship when she made naturalization completely.

One morning she thought she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. She dialed 110 and 113 after her husband went to work. She met a lady social worker right away and got helps since. And she was informed of then one of the rules conducted by the immigration agency does protect a foreign spouse with a baby under such threats of domestic violence. The rule entitles her to live in Taiwan if she decided to divorce. She burst into tears and gave hearty laughs when she heard it. That relieved her distress and burden. She suddenly gained enormous power to get away from the endless torture she suffered and collect her freedom back from the endless torture she had suffered.

The divorce was filed with assistance of the social worker and the abuse evidences checked by the doctors and records from the scheduled police visits. It did not take long that her husband gave up his son to her and signed the paper.

She knew the wound in her heart would be healed even though it might take a long time. But, the unwanted past deserved to be left behind. She wouldn’t allow the past to steal her present and her future with her son. Her exhausted mind needed a good rest. Not a one could ever do anything violent to her again she promised herself.

The Ministry of the Interior revealed there were 1350403 marriage couples in 2018 in Taiwan, the smallest number in 9 years. 114795 couples were Taiwanese citizens. The foreign spouses from the Southeast Asian were 8749, around 42.45% of married couples, most of whom were Vietnamese.

The foreign spouses can apply for Health Insurance after staying four months in Taiwan, and are entitled to all the rights of the family laws under the Constitution.

According to the Ministry of Health and Welfare, the numbers of the abused female foreign spouses in 2016, 2017 and 2018 were 33380, 27302 and 27251 respectively compared to male ones 1817, 1860 and 1333 (April 4, 2019).

domestic violence

What if he was loved and not abused?

12/15/2016

The official figures in the reports in 2016

There were 3,871 reporting cases of abused children and youths, under 18 years, due to various reasons such as misbehaving or unexpected events occurred in three months in 2016 reported by the Department of Protective Services (Ministry of Health and Welfare, November 30, 2016).

According to the statistics of the Ministry of the Interior, the number of abused children and adolescents in Taiwan has been on the rise since 2006. Before that, the numbers of abusers were less than 10,000 each year. In 2012, 2013 and 2014, the numbers of abused children seemed descending, 19,174, 16,322 and 11,589 respectively (Department of Health and Welfare). But, there were 15,469 children and juveniles who lived in the shadow of violence and were threatened by child abusers in 2015.

Home Foundation claimed that the analysis for the past three years found that the age of abused children went down to from newborns to 2-year-old little ones. The percentage of abused children under 6 years old is 63%, out of which 78.6% is younger than two years old (Home Foundation, March 10, 2016). That means that the percentage of abused children under two years old is 49.51%.

The key reason why there are more little children under 6 are abused might be they won’t be found out if they don’t go to kindergarten. After they reach six years old, they will be easily noticed by the teachers if they are abused at home. That is of vital importance to have a system to prevent those little children without abilities of expressing themselves and with only fear of losing what is supposed to attach to. It is apparently difficult to protect preschool children from abuse, especially ones under two years old if the domestic violence to children hasn’t been leaked out and then discovered by the outsiders.

The Department of Protected Services has also revealed that abusers are mainly parents, followed by relatives or caregivers. The common domestic violence to children or youths appears to be physical abuse or worse like sexual abuse, mental abuse such as negligence and abandonment.

It is concluded that child abuse might be various causes such as lack of knowledge of parental roles, education levels, illness, marriage or family problems, economical stress like a low-income family on living allowance, alcoholic or drug addiction, unemployment and so on (Department of Health and Welfare, 2016).

There is Law on Children and Adolescents, but the Department of Protective Services cannot do things efficient enough to stop child abuse from parents. Those who abuse their children are demanded to complete some relevant courses in parenting and family education. Sometimes, an abuser should face the penalty or be sent to prison depending on how serious the case is. The social workers could involve too, from whom the help seems too little to carry into effect.

The Fact

Sometimes the truth is not told and the hurt remains forever in the heart of an abused child and of his/her siblings. It is the parents who do evil under the veil of care and out of so-called discipline. Child abuse doesn’t have to do with the above possible reasons offered by the official figures in official reports, like education, income, etc. It is something rooted in one’s attitude and personality or some other causes I think. It is of certain that every circumstance is different and its outcome should be unlike too.

I ask myself whether or not things would have turned out better if I’d called the police indeed. But, I am still doubtful about this. How could I make a right decision and believe in what I tried to do might fix the problems if they were too complicated to solve? In addition to that, my parents were much more important beyond doubt than my younger brother even though I felt terribly sorry for him. My brother didn’t ever meet the standards as a good son.

Sometimes, I think of him and feel very sad but I never call him or discuss this with him about what he suffered since he was so little around four years old. I always try to forget about it – the truth.

I don’t think it is true that time can heal all wounds. Things all happened long ago but I kind of still feel what I felt back then. The memories of my mother’s disappointment are vivid because I could hear then a trace of sorrow when she looked at and kissed me but sighed, “You are the third daughter,” gently rubbing my cheek with her thumb. I recalled I was confused about what she whispered to me. But, I knew she was not unhappy but just sad.

I never asked my mother if she had been regretful for failing to give a son to my father and she had been the one to blame before she gave birth to my younger brother.

It seemed a miracle to my parents to have a son when I was three years old and my elder sisters were teenagers. It was my first time to meet my paternal grandma when she came to join my parents and their friends in celebration of the day my brother was one-month old. She was thrilled and decided to stay with us in Taipei. She took me to the church on Sundays for a couple years and often reminded me of it that she couldn’t believe she was able to see her first grandson. She put a golden chain around the fragile neck of my tiny baby brother. She said it was an amulet with blessing from God she prayed to for years.

Then son preference was rooted and it was or might still be one of our traditions to carry the family’s name by son. Not only my grandma but my parents thought it was a complete family with at least a son. What about daughters? They were no harm at all I thought. My parents never bothered to ask how school things were going and didn’t worry at our academic achievement.

We were fine I thought and they loved us and never discouraged us from access to higher education. I wondered they might never expect us to turn out ones with a professional career, but a good marriage. We were luckily left alone and my mother was so proud of us for following her dream to be highly-educated.

I did understand my mother wanted to assure that my younger brother would be a success in life and believed that the more he learned the better one he would become. She never gave it a thought that he might want different things from life and what efforts she put on wouldn’t do him any favors.

It was obvious that he was neglected and ended up a trouble maker and incapable of anything meaningful. I thought if either of my parents was aware of his limits of learning, noticed what he was interested in and showed him love instead of strict discipline. If they did, my brother might have turned out as better a young man.

In retrospect, I saw how disappointed my mother was when my brother gave a bright big smile and said, “I got a lot of delicious cookies” on the first day after he came home from the kindergarten. Again, my mother reminded him of what he had really learned from school, but my brother just shrugged and looked confused.

He was punished to kneel down for a long while if he couldn’t recite the multiplication table and made mistakes. It happened before he went to an elementary school. I was sympathetic over what he was treated, and felt like crying when I was around him. But I just walked away and pretended nothing wrong with that. The truth was that I hadn’t been required to memorize the multiplication table before I was taught at school.

When he was in the second year at the elementary school, we moved down to the south. He was not far ahead in his class as expected anymore but fell behind. They put pressure on him to be something my younger brother was incapable of being.

He sneaked into my parents’ bedroom one night and took money to run away from home when he was ten years old. It was still unbelievable how he made it to find my elder sister, who studied at university in Taipei. By train and by buses, how did he figure out? I thought he deserved at least one chance at forgiveness, but he did not get it after he ran away the first time. Matter-of-factly, he was worth so much more. After that, his promises not to steal, not lie and run away were empty. He did on repeat.

I truly believed that my brother held on to so much bitterness toward my father, who was too busy to really give this much thought but just beat him without mercy after my brother came back home. It must be difficult for him to realize there was nowhere to go but home, where the brute punishment always waited for him. It was too much for him to take since he was already exhausted, and hungry because of running out of money. Shouldn’t my father have moved my brother out of harm’s way? Of course, my parents failed to turn my brother’s misbehavior into lessons to guide him differently.

I wish I did not see my father at his worst when he lost his temper with my brother to the point that I no longer recognized him as my father, who did love me dearly. I couldn’t figure out how to cut the strings between loves and hate when I thought what my parents did to my younger brother. But, the shame his misbehavior brought on our family made me feel embarrassed and uncomfortable to chat with my friends about siblings. I did not invite a friend to come to my home before I finished my senior high school. What if my brother took her purse like he had done to me? I kept thinking about the what-ifs. Once I even tried to justify what happened.

The crying made my mind numbing and my soul crushing. I failed to have a calming presence at those moments when my younger brother suffered whatever my father could bring to him. I did nothing but shutting away myself in my room, and covering my ears. I kept myself busy taking my mind off of the hurt from my brother’s groans of pain and concentrating my studying.

I was certain about it that sleepless nights would come to me if he disappeared again especially at the unbearably cold and rainy nights. I tried to breathe in my nose and out my mouth to calm down and get some sleep but at the same time I hoped I could be alert in case the tapping on my window told me he needed me to open the door for him.

Those awful things repeated themselves. I wished my brother was still young enough to bounce back from failure. But, he’d never done it until he found his wife. His lovely children are growing up in a sweet, not abusive, household. It is a blessing indeed, which must quiet the emotions of my brother as a father. This makes me feel a sense of deep contentment.

The impact

I repelled the thought of marriage when I was young and had no idea about what kind of man I’d be looking for. I couldn’t assure of it if I could be a good mother and a wife to accompany my husband. Was I given a level of maturity into a situation to do what was best for my children?

What if what had happened to my mother occurred in my own life? I convinced myself that love didn’t appeal to me. How could I know I’d be ready to spread my wings for certain to have my own ideal home? I wasn’t sure about I am able in a relationship that must add to my responsibilities as a wife and then a mother, isn’t it? Besides, it seemed to me that it was more of a burden than anything I thought. I could never go out with someone since I didn’t see it going anywhere. How could I involve a nice guy in this mess of my family because it was unfair? It was my parents and my brother, who meant a lot to me and then had a huge impact on my life.

What happened is in the past, but it seems difficult to get rid of it. Have I be putting my entire life on hold? How could I be capable of feeling so much grief inside my heart? Is it me unable shake the terrible memories? Or is it the worst memories that have stuck with me? How could I allow my feelings of the old days to take over and leave the present and the future in the hand of the past?

Now, I am still single. It is the best somehow I’m learning to let them go and free myself without bothering what I’m expected to be, and trying to live a full, meaningful and enjoyable life.

domestic violence

A Good Father

3/30/2016

What could you do if it, domestic violence, happened to you?

Nowadays, women in Taiwan get married quite late in life. The median age of those married for the first time is currently 29.5 for women and 31.9 for men (Statistics Department of Ministry of the Interior, 2013).

The marriage rates like other continues continue to decline for women from 55.53% to 38.7% in ten years and for men from 40.82% to 32.11% (Statistics Department of Ministry of the Interior, 2013).

What would you do if you were one of them who were destined to face domestic violence? Remember it occurs not only once for a while but regularly – probably every week, or unpredictably?

She was one of the girls living in poor households. She started working an hour-paid job with 9-year compulsory education when she was 15 years old. She married to him when she was 19 years old while her most girl friends continued their schooling, who were in middle-class or higher income households.

Before their engagement, she worried about their differences of eight-year age apart, the education level and family background. How could she marry to a thoughtful and good-looking guy from a sound family? But, he brushed it aside.

He convinced her to marry him and it wouldn't be a problem to give her mother NT$10,000 monthly. He had a high-paid job and made enough money to start a family right away after marriage too. She quit her job.

They were not in the middle of a marriage crisis, but this happened whenever he got drunk. She waited him to fall asleep when this occurred. It seemed to her a thing she had to deal with and a night’s sleep was a nature’s cure to gain her strength back. It took only one night and he would be what he was again.

Day repeated itself. The first time she remembered after marriage, she thought her world was spiraling out of control when she couldn’t temper his unknown anger. But, the following day after he woke up, he acted like the one he used to be and it seemed to him there was nothing which had happened.

He did not apology. She thought he had too much self-protective pride to truly strip down it in front of her, so she did not mention it even though the feeling of hatred and loneliness stayed with her, not able to say to anyone especially her mother. She was completely at a loss and how could she cope this. Since then, there was a similar drama come and gone continually. She endured the stress from the humiliation. It got worse after decades passed by.

He was the one who had done terrible drinking before coming back home but his anger rose when his voice got louder. She forgot to question why he didn’t come home after work for dinner while she soothed her starving children to wait for their father longer.

His clever tongue seemed not to fail him even when he was drunk, stuttering to deliver those insulting words to accuse her mother of having children by different men.

She regretted she had told him everything about her mother before marriage. Then she trusted him with her own heart when he looked at her with admiration and said how beautiful she was.

Why had she told him? She wanted to share with him, who was that into her then and so was she, about how difficult it was for her mother to raise them and why she did not go to senior high school but found a job to support her mother financially. She did it out of love for her mother. Besides, she needed to know if she could plan her future with him without making a mess of it. He was so smart that she was able to rely on him.

When he acted the drama, she dared not to challenge his rage while he was drunk. She did never defend her mother but was worried about their children might be still awake or give ear to (聽). Her children kept quiet without mentioning it and got pretty well with their father, who loved them dearly too.

He never stopped giving her mother money every month as he promised, but he never went back home with her on the second day of Chinese Lunar New Year, which was “Married Daughter’s Day.” She always told her mother he couldn’t make it because of being on duty, and her mother never complained about his absence from the gathering with his relatives-in-law. When he was sober, he told her he couldn’t go because he couldn’t touch the wine on that special occasion or he would ruin their time.

Gradually she gave this serious thoughts and she knew the moment she lost her self-esteem when she took his money to her mother, especially the dowry. Her mother did need the money.

It never was a problem to worry if he had an affair with any woman, and she surely knew he still loved her. A part of her always loved him she knew and she wasn’t trying to stay active and make the best of their relationship. What she did was to let it take its course and to pretend that it was all going to be well in the end.

What about her children? Looking at her children, she convinced herself that tolerance was an only response to what he did to her, unacceptable but taken. There wasn’t a thorough resolution, and she saw no reason to get it said and done. How could she move on with all of her life away from this?

Even in the bleakest moments of her childhood, with the name of her father unknown on her ID Card, she had managed to hold the hope that each day, things would get a little better. Hopelessness was beyond her comprehension.

But, there was not a day going by that she did not think about it -- when he would did it again.

The fact

One fourth married women in Taiwan, whose ages are between 18 and 74, have been abused according to the data revealed by Ministry of Health and Welfare on March 2 before International Women’s Day this year, 2016.

In the report, conducted by face-to face interviews, it's also stated that abusing or offending is getting worse when the married women are getting older. The range of age between 71 and 74 is the worst, 42.9% as a whole.

That means there are more than four old married women out of ten are terribly mistreated by psychological violence such as verbal insulting, threatening, silence treatment, etc. Next to those is physical and sexual violence or losing financial support.

Please break the silence and make it loud, my dear. Yes, make it louder possibly and needed. It is the fact that men and women are created differently. Surely again, there is no equality for both genders.

That is why women should fight bravely and consistently if mistreated while good men help them out. And, that is why women have International Women’s Day on 8 March and International Day of the Girl Child on 11 October since 2012.

Did she surprise herself?

What if he was loved and not abused?

A Good Father

cher tu

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