The past
What she was doing was down to her
philosophy of life. The decision was carefully thought through she believed.
She often, not always, respected and accepted the points of view of others. She
was criticized to have an overinflated sense of right and wrong. That promised her things weren't going in the wrong direction.
The present
Now she is one of those who
believe one should put oneself first, which is paramount. To make one of 2017 New Year’s resolutions SMART is sustained through
internal motivation like securing long-term health as her sister told her.
But, indulgence in wonders she looks for is very likely short-term and chancy
too she supposes.
Could
she take it while no one notices, not feeling guilty at all?
How could she be sure it would be put back quietly and safely before it is being looked
for?
Would she be feeling willingly to turn around on her way after all this happens?
Could
she grip it only a blink -- a short span of time, not hurting others?
What
did she learn from what she’d been taught about morality not stealing she asked herself?
What
she was asking of was a serious threat, wasn’t it?
What
if she didn’t care about if she got herself to burn out but did she give it a thought -- who she shared with her passion might catch a flame of hurt?
There
were only evasive excuses to the questions.
She’d
never thought the thought to break the rules, guiding her to behave. Hasn’t
she seen evidence of her sister’s vulnerability after the veil of cheating was
unveiled? Hasn’t she witnessed it that her brother-in-law was in such a
tremulous, tender mood and couldn’t form a word as if speaking was an effort?
She
wakes up suddenly in the middle of night for six days in a row, irretrievably
alert and questions herself what she has done. The thread of fear stays with her.
She pulls herself up on the mound of cushions and pillows and waits the
daybreak to come. At the very moment that is the nearest she comes to crying.
She does know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she is the one to
blame. The guilt has been like a tumor eating away at her, but she’s lost
capacity for convincing herself to stop. It seems to her that she couldn’t get out of it like addicting to the
drugs even though suicide has never been her intention. Sometimes her talk to herself is
sugared with white lies she can’t avoid.
A stop
The
little boy took it out from his pocket and sucked a couple times. He thought
his mother was happily busy talking with her friend, but she watched closely what he did. He could see disappointment in her eyes and a sympathetic
expression appeared on the face of her friend. It was surely not approvable to
suck a pacifier at the age of four, but he did. His mother did not say a word
to him on the way back home. He hid the pacifier securely at the bottom of his
toy box, and took it out when he felt he needed it. He couldn’t remember when he
lost it. He didn’t miss his mother as he used to after he was taken to live
with his father.
A trip
Her nails are bitten to the quick and she feels more and
more antsy. Her thoughts are so busy that she needs to distract herself by shopping. She has a strong urge to do
it when she is weighted down by the stress. She is fully aware that it’s not acceptable to
go on a shopping spree to risk running up
debts.
For
a Buddhist, she never understands what the statement means -- everything is nothing (萬物皆空) while everything is everything (萬物有其法則). She is running out of breath for more
fantasies not laughter. She barely stays
awake and is unable to collect her thoughts at work. It’s definitely true that
people have lots of layers to most of people, and she is one of them she understands
now.
She
desperately gives it a shot, and doesn’t dare to decline the offer. It is the
last thing she would do to tie herself to one with too many tears and sorrows. She is looking ahead with indifference. There is not such a
thing that might kindle her career ambition, which once was a top priority.
In the breeze
Isn’t
it clear that one cannot feel free from social pressure? The option left is
that she has to leave for good. It’s not as black and white as it seems from the outside,
but no one except her is responsible for this. She’s experienced it thoroughly
no matter how she’s been convinced her life has turned out an accidental way,
all that certainty has disappeared with a tiny but tricky change.
She
puts her black pencil skirt on the chair she’ll wear tomorrow with high and
spiked heels.
S.M.A.R.T is defined as specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and
time-bound.
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