Going badly awry
She felt empty, hollow, but sincere for most of her adult life. The moral compass failed to act on the way she behaved since she broke the rules of it not intentionally but out of control. Now she experiences fullness and satisfaction for
sure while there exists a wonder too. It is a
complication of thoughts she has decided to put them aside. She leads a double-life outright and hideously.
She’s learned how to internalize her anxiety and urges but focused on the work at hand. The busier she keeps herself, the fewer tensions for
dwelling on the unspeakable. She’s tried to take this one day at a
time, one step at a time. But, it’s come about all of a sudden. She plans it with thoughtful calculations, which is how she protects the one she loves dearly or herself from the possible troubles
coming along.
Securing an excuse
It
is a kind of tawdry excuse, isn’t it? Sometimes, she gives him a false sense of
calm, not intending to disturb his world in reality if she is able to. Every
once in a while she calls him, and she replays the phrases in her head before that.
The safe distance that’s settled between them since they have started their
so-called adventure seems to decrease she notices. She tries hard to catch at
the wonderful thoughts she’s received from him. She couldn’t deny the temptation
of acting as his only lover. She’s not in charge of herself but he is.
Somehow she believes he must be very enlightened about sex, nothing about feelings of intimacy. She surely digests he’s not expected an online date to vow to love him for all eternity. There hasn’t been anything else up her sleeve and what else has she expected? She couldn’t get rid of the terrible feelings of losing him and cries herself to sleep. In the morning, the powdery sheen of makeup she’s carefully applied can’t conceal the sadness.
Having the habits formed
His
wife has been left home resentful and lonely from time to time. There has been
always one that makes him delirious with an urgent and unendurable sexual
desire pulling him to this so-called mistress to accompany for not long. What
he has been looking for is a carefree relationship. He certainly knows that he does
damage his family deeply and permanently, but he is unable to stop it. He
avoids the remorse about that, but convinces himself not to waste the time
worrying about something that wouldn’t happen. It’s the same story, year in,
year out.
Now,
things become more easily for him to have an online date. It comes and goes without
traces. He can’t explain why, but most of time flirting with women is of the
categories when he has such an urge to act first and think later. He hardly
tries to put an end to the emotional manipulation indeed.
But,
this time he feels differently after he left her a message on the Facebook through their mutual friend. After a seeming moment of indecision, she texted back and soothing stream of conversations between both of
them have followed seamlessly. She talks and he listens, likewise. She seems
liberal in reality because she never asks his marital state or his
ex-girlfriends.
Being on the wrong
track
She
refuses what her father persuades her to do, marrying a right one, and she’s
not convinced by the scenario -- that her future would be smoother if she does what she is asked. She despises
the suggestions on how to behave as a good wife and a
caring mother. She doesn’t believe the marriage is a key to a worthwhile
life either.
She
agreed with the meeting without a hint of embarrassment and her heart filled
with a strange feeling of happiness, longing and danger while her head was full
of conflicting thoughts.
What
happened between them after the meeting has been surreal like coming from her
imagination. After that, she acknowledges exactly where the limits lie which
she deliberately neglected to foresee. She can’t let them go the moments when she saw the bright
smile creeping onto his face and her heart was pounding in her ears. In his
embrace she got lost and the gentle love touch lingered for a long while. She is willingly to
endure the unbearable after she's tasted desire, passion and tenderness. The memories
of all those with him she definitely carries on without a doubt. The joy remains
without frustration but with fascination.
The
knowledge of his marriage hasn’t thrown her out of balance but made her feel
better after the fact was released. The relationship between them is numbered
in years instead of days or months. He knows she’s got him tied into this but he shows his strength to live his full life. There are days he deals with the
torture of sleep deprivation too.
Facing up to the fact
Matter-of-course
she realizes it is the uncertainty that keeps her from her regular life, and she’s
not the type to succeed at what she attempts any longer. She doesn’t leak this out
to anyone but she is aware that there comes a day they will fall out of touch and drift apart in the
opposite direction undoubtedly. Indeed, it’s going to end up being awkward.
Who
does she need to make an attempt at an apology to because she hasn’t avoided all
these with efforts? Is it the wife rightful to claim her marriage untouchable? Is
she a real threat to his marriage she believes she has never put the stress to
interfere with? She exists only online in a virtual world, which never goes any
further, if she justifies what she has done.
For
how long she is able to deal with the stress she endures if she is not soulless
or shallow? Does she lose the capacity to face the realization that she can’t
hide from the future or is she lying to herself about real life? Will she live
the rest of her life with no regrets because she is unable to conceptualize the
fundamental moralities of life?
*In Taiwan a spouse is entitled to sue
her/his spouse when there is some evidence showing the intercourse with the third
party does occur, both of whom officially commit a crime for adultery according
to the family law.
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